How To Burn This Book

Step one of burning a book is finding a disagreeable premise within. To simplify this process, each story is followed by a reason it should be immolated, opined by the author’s critics.

'Lucky Girl Noir' is about a cop solving the murder of a ‘Lucky Girl,’ a woman born with probability consistently in her favor. Burning this story would be a win against plagiarism.

'Three Days West' is an acid-Western about cowboys exploiting their otherworldly connection in frontier Colorado. This story deserves burning for ruining pulp heroes.

'Zantar' is Tarzan with aliens and raccoons. Burning seems appropriate, as it continues the author’s insatiable bloodlust.

'Sea Creatures' is a sapphic love story between a siren and a mermaid. The story deserves burning for suggesting bras are an art form.

'Lizard People Take Orlando' tells the story of Zaffre Davis, a student running for mayor while keeping his life as a scalie secret. Burning should be considered due to its depictions of furries as Democrats.

'The Spirit Realm' is about the survivor of a mass poisoning who wakes up to find he can talk to alcohol. No character represents absinthe, a crime best punished by burning.

'The Pimp That Slapped the Ripper' is about the fall of Jack the Ripper at the hands of a procurer who will protect her property at any cost. The author’s softness has robbed the story of graphic detail; their omission begets burning.

'Washed' is the story of a man who loses his memory when he showers. Burn this one to eliminate the author’s ugly past.

'An American Weekend' is about a boy visited by the human embodiments of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, who guide him out of his funk. Turn it to ashes; this interpretation of the weekend reeks of privilege.

'Roadwork' is about a lemurtologist, an exorcist for the DMV who removes ghosts from road accidents. Tossing this story in the fire could wound a hateful author, smudging the name of the DMV.