Fitness and vitality can be yours, writes Dave Barry—provided you have the discipline, drive, and the plain old-fashioned guts required to procure the necessary steroids. This manual may help, too, but you'll just have to buy it and find out.

Barry on executive fitness: Today's top executives eat teeny meals and run ten miles and play tennis and work out every day. Of course, they're so busy getting fit that many don't even know where their offices are. That's why the entire US economy is now manufactured overseas.

Barry on fitness after death: A quick chill, to approximately 325 degrees below zero, yields a muscle tone that we normally associate only with world-class body builders and certain minerals.

Barry on nutrition: Every morning you should take a vitamin A pill, followed by a vitamin D, followed by an E, until you've spelled the healthful mnemonic phrase: 'A DEAD CAD BAKED A BAD CAKE, ACE.' And eat all the fiber-rich foods you can shove down your throat; these would be mainly your cotton candy and your Slim Jims.

Barry on junk foods: White bread and refined sugar, if eaten, cause death within hours. So it's important to watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting.