Universally Screwed: Thrown across the Universe, deeply confused, looking for the bathroom

On an alien moon a showdown is unfolding between a giant space slug that's heading towards a planet to destroy it, and a military group readying to defend their home world. A small fluffy dog runs through the night intent on regaining its previous life, and a pizza delivery man leaves his shift hoping to attend a university party. All of these events connect as sinister forces maneuver themselves in the background waiting to strike.

You should buy this audiobook. It's narrated by a real person. He's very good.

It's a comedy.

However, to help you in your retail purchasing decisions, might I offer you these possibilities:

1) You love it. Thus, you have a wonderful day, and this audiobook was well worth the purchase.

2) You hate it. Then you gift it to your frenemy, and it was once more worth the cost, as you finally one-up your nemesis.

3) You neither love it nor hate it, so you print the cover, encase it in resin and convert it into a coffee table as a discussion piece about the meaning of knowledge and the impermanence of the digital age, and again the audiobook has earned its keep.

4) Should you be lacking a printer, and you find that it falls under option 3 above, might I suggest that you use it to level out that wonky table in your memory palace instead. Why is that table in your memory palace wonky? I don't know, it's your memory palace. You should probably do something about that, and this audiobook can help.

I wish you well on your future purchase.

As one final incentive, here is a message for you from your future self that was sent back in time.

'Wow, I'm sure glad I purchased that audiobook. Maybe I should buy three more and give them out as inspiration/warnings for future authors!' please remove words as appropriate - your future self.

And if that doesn't prove time travel, I don't know what will.

Also, if you buy several copies you are winning at the game of life. Good for you!